Exactly 28 years ago, my mother brought me into this world. As my first year turning older without her by my side, I’m dedicating and honoring this day in her memory. Without her or this day, I wouldn’t be here.

I know it’s been about a month now since she passed and ever since, I’ve felt this pressure from the world, everyone around me watching me, people trying to get a reaction out of me. I can’t really tell you why I couldn’t put how I feel into words..and even now it’s tough. It’s not something that can be defined with a blog post and there’s really no right or wrong way to process a loss like this. I can only tell you that I’m trying to do the best that I can. Not all days are gloomy…in fact, I’ve had some of my best days this year along with the roughest but not a day goes by where I don’t miss her.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year in February. She had non-smoking lung cancer and was already at stage 4. Apparently she had it for a few years, but never felt pain from it. It's been an extremely difficult year with emergency calls that leads us rushing to the hospital at random times. I can't imagine what it must've been like for my dad, who stayed by her side through it all this past year. I must admit it was hard to balance my life - with work, friends, and a relationship - on top of trying to be by my mother's side any moment I can. My dreams and goals were set aside because nothing else mattered. I no longer understood what free time or personal time meant. But through it all, I've come to connect with others going through the same things in their families and learned that I have the most tremendous support system any girl could ever ask for in this situation. If anything, I'm left with a thankful heart out of this. Thank you to each and every one of you for making an effort to reach out, dropping off food for my family, and visiting me just to make sure I'm okay. My heart is not empty because of you all, which gives me the strength to write this memoir for her and hope to help others going through what I went through/going through. So here’s a little post from my scattered mind over the past few weeks - little notes I’d write here and there if you will..

Those of you who had the pleasure of knowing my mom understands just how great of a blessing she was to everyone around her. We may not have recognized it at the time, but she was always looking out for everyone around her. Whether it’s helping out a friend through tough times or introducing as many people to a friend’s new business to help support. I’ve watched the best role model live out what it truly means to be a good neighbor. She was a self-made woman and made her own path and fortune. I’ve always admired her relentlessness and ability to succeed under any circumstances. She had this bright confidence and believed she could do anything she put her mind into doing.

Last Taiwan trip with mommy and her longest friends, including my God mother.

[My Funeral Eulogy]

My mother was the most diligent, hard working, talented woman I know. And I know everyone says that about their mothers, but mine is truly incredible. From raising three kids to building her own successful career out of nothing, she gave 150% into everything she did. Both her parents left her at a very young age, so she had to learn from her own mistakes and make it on her own. My mom wasn’t highly educated, yet she was not any less successful than those that were. She was truly an inspiration to many and made many lasting marks on the lucky ones that were close to her. She was the one to lead me to Jesus and bestowed in me all the Christian values and morals I still hold on to today. She taught me how to love. And that life is about how much you give, not how much you get. She taught me how to live generously, to truly be a blessing to those around me. She taught me about grace and forgiveness. To always apologize first and show mercy. My mother was the strongest person I’ve ever met. Unfortunately, she had many rough patches in her life. Yet, she was able to come out of each low higher than ever. She taught me to have faith. To have faith in God and in people. She always told me to live life unafraid. To take chances on people and let them surprise you. And if they don’t, show grace, cut your loses and trust in God. She was my best friend when I needed one. I always respected her opinion above all else. My mother was a wise and kind woman. She loved so deeply and gave everything she had. In the end, life took a toll on her and left us way too early. Although we’re sad and missing her here, I know heaven is rejoicing with her presence there. She’s returned home and one sweet day we will see her again. I hope to live out the rest of my life making her proud. She lives on in each one of us and her legacy will never be forgotten.

[Notes from IPhone - thoughts from my numerous flights, uber rides, and nights alone in a hotel room]

I still can’t believe she’s not here anymore. Every second of the day, I’m replaying various conversations I had with her. Her voice rings in the back of my mind like it’s part of me now. As I reflect on her passing, I’ve come to realize that who I am today is a reflection of her. And I’d like to share lessons I’ve learned from my mom and through fighting cancer with her.

Passion; If you’ve ever just met my mom for a split second, you’d completely understand how this word relates to her. She was the most passionate person I’ve ever met. She was passionate about life, everything she did, and anyone that came upon her path. She pushed people outside their comfort zone, built people up, and led by example. Even in her cooking, she was full of passion. I’m sure all her friends have experienced her invitation into our home and got to try her amazing dishes. She poured days of work into one dinner. I watched her give everything she has for everything she did. Compassion; I knew my mom was a social butterfly and it was no joke when our house would be flooded with guests nonstop. However, I didn’t know just how many lives she had touched until people came out to speak during her passing. I thought to myself, “wow, she lived an amazing, meaningful life”. She used to tell me that the purpose of life was never to work, earn money, start a family. That’s just what’s expected and we mindlessly do it because of social standards. To her, life was about touching peoples lives, helping those in need no matter what, and building knowledge through experiences.

Our last Christmas together as a whole family <3

Our household was not like your traditional Chinese family. My mom did not push us to succeed in school, we had to be motivated ourselves to do well. She believed that although education is important, there are still far more important things and she pushed us to do those things instead. Growing up, I was pushed to develop talent in a multitude of things, from music, swimming, dance, and art. My only free day was Sunday, which was reserved for church and choir. I used to resent her for pushing me so hard, but it wasn’t until high school when I truly appreciated what she was doing for me. Besides my busy schedule, she put great emphasis on traveling. She made it a family tradition to travel somewhere internationally at least once a year. I loved this tradition and believe my love for travel comes from this. She always jokes with me and tells me she was born in the wrong generation and I totally agree. She would’ve loved being a digital nomad. She would’ve loved what the world has to offer now. She was a free spirit, full of energy and never needed a break. I always admired her for her resilience. She was not like the other Asian moms my friends would talk about. She didn’t buy into social standards and made us believe that we could live happily no matter what we do. When other mothers were concerned about their teenage daughters dating, my mom became my best friend and encouraged me to follow my heart. She wanted to meet all the boys I had a crush on and treated each one of them as if they were family. I was always thankful I never had to deal with hiding relationships like my friends. Instead, I was encouraged to speak openly and shared all my relationship struggles with her. She taught me to be vulnerable with people, which is why I’m such an open person today. She would give me advice as if she was back in high school too and share all her wonderful stories of her youth with me. To be honest, there probably isn’t anything I’d go through that she probably hasn’t seen and I cherished her advice dearly. She was the first person I wanted to tell all my secrets to and the person that celebrated with me when a boy asked me to a dance or when I had my first kiss. She taught me to be accepting and love without expecting anything in return. One of her friends said that she was the true example of Jesus’s love and welcomed everyone into our lives, even strangers. I always admired how she could go somewhere and be best friends with the manager right away - this was a great benefit when it came to restaurants with long lines. She lived life fearlessly, loved everyone and really lived life to the fullest daily. She taught me to love myself and ignore judgement. As a sensitive soul, I was often found crying over people’s discrimination or judgement and she would be there to lift me up and ease the pain. The most vivid example I remember of this was when random people would judge me based on my attire in high school as I often loved wearing short skirts. I remember feeling so guilty and ashamed, but my mom comforted me and told me not to waste my life caring about what others think. The next weekend, she took me out and wore a mini skirt with me. Although I was always sort of embarrassed by things she did, I always still admired her for doing it. She expressed her personality freely and had a knack for style. She used to tell me I dressed way too conservative and to let go a little. And I remember my friends thinking how cool it was of her to say that while other moms were quick to judge in showing skin.

Thank You

Zuway - I don't know what it's like to be the biggest dependent in a situation like this. Thank you for doing your best and carrying me through it with grace. I could probably write an entire post on this, but I know you like privacy. So I'll just keep this short and sweet for you. Thank you for all that you do and for letting me depend on you through it all.

Clare - It's so hard for me to write how I feel about you because I always end up tearing up. You've touched me so much this past year and I'm so blessed by your friendship. You were always someone my mom admired and praised over the years. More importantly, you were always the person I strived to be like and hoped more would be like you. You set the example of how a human being should be and even though I'm not sure I can ever measure up, I'm so so thankful to God that He brought you into my life. You have been the biggest blessing to me, especially this past year and I hope to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. They say that during the darkest times is when you find your true friends. Well, you completely destroyed that saying. I found family in you through my darkest times this year. Thank you for writing me love letters and sending me flowers on random days just to cheer me up. Thank you for spoiling me like a girlfriend and always treating me out to eat, dropping off food for me, or buying me tickets to shows you know I'd want to see. Thank you for driving over an hour just to see me or saying "let me drop off something, you don't need to come out" even though you got over an hour drive home just to do that. I know you're extremely busy, working and going to school full-time, with 18 hour days and barely any free time. So I just want to express my most genuine gratitude towards you for sacrificing your time on top of that to make me happy. Clare, your heart is so pure and generous and I see some of my mom in you. Thank you for loving me selflessly and unconditionally. You always make me feel so special and loved, I almost feel guilty. I hope that others will one day find a friend like you and experience the love you have to share. God definitely spent a little more time on you. You're amazing in every way. I love you so much. <3

Thank you to the loving community from church, especially towards my mom’s cell group for taking turns delivering dinner for months and months. Special thank you to Yvonne for always praying and checking in on me and for coming over to pray for my mom once before she left us.

Thank you to Rubrik family for always being understanding and supportive this past year. From covering me whenever I needed to run to the hospital to telling me to work from home or take personal days as often as I can. I couldn’t have asked for a better team through this trialling year. This week also happens to be my 3 year anniversary at Rubrik and it has honestly been the best 3 years of my career!

My heart misses her and that will never change, but the amazing support around me gives me the strength to live happily day after day until the day I get to tell her about my amazing life she gave me. Thank you for the best birthday gift ever mommy, my beautiful life. <3

The last time I got to take you out for your birthday <3